someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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