You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You dont lie about slip and slides
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
