Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
