I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
