I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
