I got chris browned last night
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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