Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize