so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Ladies don't puke and tell
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
