Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
