I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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