Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
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