HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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