I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
