We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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