Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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