Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
