I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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