i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
