I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
