Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
