I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
