I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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