I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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