I puked a lego.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
