worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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