she was so not down for the gang bang
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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