Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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