she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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