i need an iv and a liver transplant
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
