Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
