I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
