I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
