sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
