I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
