well I can't set my house on fire every night
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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