Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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