It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
