i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
