bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Only a mothe r could love this liver
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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