OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
