He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
