When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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