this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
