i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
