Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
