i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I need to calm my uterus...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
