There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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