gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
