Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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