FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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