I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Randomize
