Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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