i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
