While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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