I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
