I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize