last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
