yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
