you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize