Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
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